Escape From Murder House
by You.Upgraded
Summary: Takes place during 4x04 when Damon, Elena & Bonnie attend the Murder House party. Elena enjoys her first real feed a little too much & Damon is consumed by her desire. Will this be their defining moment or just another let down? Rate M for language & SMUT. Notice: I do not own these characters nor am I affiliated with the CW or TVD. This will be a continuing story! Please review!
1. Chapter 1

_**Rate M for language & SMUT. Notice: I do not own these characters nor am I affiliated with the CW or TVD. ~ This will be a continuing story! Please review!**_

And I watched her that night, the tension melting away and the predator within surfacing onto those beautifully delicate features. The crimson current of life flowing down her lips, onto her chin. My eyes following the stream of red, dripping onto her chest, my gaze fixated on olive skin. Shaking myself from my thoughts, I look up into bright doe eyes, waiting for a response. The back of her hand wipes away some of the blood from her pouted lips that are now forming into a smile.

"I feel good," she grins, nodding her head as if not only telling me but reassuring herself.

I can't help but smirk, deep inside I'm reeling with excitement and I'm feeling exceedingly proud of my little princess. Yes, princess, because even though she is now one of us she is still all the good parts of herself. Elena Gilbert is still a precious being and in my eyes, will always be.

In a seconds time she's bonding over to me, open armed and practically giggling. Those arms wrap around my neck, her chin on my shoulder, breath on my skin. My hands settled on her back, one gliding through silken hair. Closing my eyes I inhale her sent, getting completely lost in this small yet still intimate gesture. It's been a long time since I've seen her this elated, this in control of her actions. It might be cheesy to say that she has become a woman, but in many ways this successful feed is just that for a female vampire.

"I want more," she whispers into my ear, causing my entire body to become alert, my blood coursing with fire.

She has no idea how hard she effects me, how much of a turn on those words are. The image of her with blood cascading from her tongue and the heat radiating from her petite frame is sending me over the edge.

"Damon please," she begs, "give me more. Show me more."

This is such a double edged sword, I know it but I'm choosing to ignore it. I can't lose her, this time together is making me complete and I'll do anything to keep this woman satisfied, anything to keep her here with me in this moment.

"I'll give you everything," I promise, "show you everything."

Pulling away from her embrace, we lock eyes and she's practically glowing. Her dainty hand slides down my arm and takes my hand, our fingers lacing together.

"Lead the way, Mr. Salvatore," she smiles before biting her lower lip in a simply seductive manor.

Making our way into the main room where everyone is dancing, high and drunk, completely out of their minds as they give in to the pleasure of it all. Scanning around the darkened room I hunt my potential meal. Elena needs to see this, needs to understand every aspect of snatch-feed-erase without killing anyone tonight.

The pretty blonde in the corner looks my way and I flash her a smile, her own coming out to play.

"Watch," I whisper into Elena's ear as I leave her side and make my way over to the unsuspecting victim.

I feel her stare on my back as I walk away, my new focus on the sorority chick in her slutty nurse costume, first few buttons of her white dress undone revealing a red lace bra. This is almost too easy and I find her intense neediness for my attention so pathetic. Our eye contact is never broken, my hand coming up to rest against the wall by her head as I'm now mere inches from her near shaking frame.

"Where's the doctor?" I tease, knowing it's a terrible joke but she giggles like the school girl that she is.

"Not currently in tonight," she responds, setting her drink down onto the table next to her leg before touching my jacket.

"Hot costume," she compliments, "what are you suppose to be anyway? A dark and mysterious stranger?'

A laugh escapes me, one to humor her seeing as nothing she's said is particularly funny.

"I suppose," I nod, "Jack the ripper to be exact but I'm sure my costume isn't really what you find hot."

I'm sure of myself because I know exactly what she wants, I can smell the arousal heightening between her now parted thighs. Licking her lips she shakes her head, her hand now inside my jacket.

"A mind reader too?" she purrs, pressing her body against mine in a seductive imprisonment.

"Not so much a reader as a controller," I reply, my hands cupping her face in a vice grip.

Eyes dilating as I begin the compulsion, the action so quick and fluid that at times I forget I'm engaging in it.

"Don't scream, you're going to love this," I prompt, before my fangs begin extending from my gums.

Slowly, I place my face in the crook of her neck, tongue gliding over the pulsing vein where I plan to bite. In one swift movement my fangs have penetrated her tender flesh, the warm liquid spilling into my mouth. She moans and I suck harder, drinking down as much as her body will allow without causing her to lose consciousness. Just as I'm about to bring her over the edge of life and death, I stop, retracting my fangs and pulling away from her neck. Tongue glides over my lips, enjoying the remains of my almost kill, the back of my hand erasing all additional evidence.

"Thank you," I smirk, "Now run along."

And just like that I've gotten what I've came for in the first place and the sorority queen is out of sight, out of mind. Turning around, Elena is all I see, standing in the center of the room. She looks mad, seething even but I can't understand why, perhaps she's having second thoughts. Padding back over to her, I try to offer up a smile needing her to stay with me, needing her to keep our deal tonight.

"Your turn," I suggest, "unless you want me to demonstrate again?"

She's done this already once tonight, but she claims to want more, with me she can have as much as her heart desires.

"Ok," she nods, looking back out at the sea of bodies around us, the music becoming louder than before or so it seemed.

"Are you alright?" I'm concerned, as always when it comes to Elena, but more so now because I refuse to have her resent me again.

"I'm fine," she shrugs, "why wouldn't I be? You got to have a taste of that blonde bimbo, now I get to have that hot football player in the corner. Couldn't be better."

I'm left mouth open and confused as she walks away, her jacket sliding from her shoulders as she throws it onto the nearest chair. She's acting strange and I shouldn't find this unusual seeing as she tends to become this way from time to time. What does it matter whom I choose to feed on? Why the sudden cold front between us? Is it rage, emotions about her own acts or maybe, just maybe she's jealous. That emotion I know all too well and now currently ensconced in as she throws herself at the tall football dick eying her as if she's candy. I'm disgusted with this kid, even though I have no right to be, but God damn it I am. Hands are clenched into fists at my sides but I grit my teeth and behave to the best of my ability. The heat is rising once again in my interior, seeing red is putting it mildly at the moment. Elena's hands are all over him, her mouth making a trail of kisses up to his throat. Overboard, that's what I think, she's too good at this and it's pissing me off.

"Let her bleed him to death," I mutter under my breath before stomping off in search of another tasty morsel to quench my appetite and to make me forget about my unhealthy obsession with my brother's girlfriend.

—

After an hour of driving my fangs into three delicious and willing young women, I'm back in the main room of the large fraternity house. The blood is coursing through my cold frame and I feel alive, completely and utterly on another level of existence. Warmth consumes my skin, my eyes closing as I begin dancing to the beat of the blaring music. Shrugging out of my coat, I toss the unneeded black material onto the sofa, one of my main courses has already made off with my top hat. Rolling up my sleeves, I begin dancing with a dark woman who is now rubbing against me like a cat in heat. My eyes are wide now, as I come to some sense trying to locate Elena. My Elena.

She's there, enjoying herself, a bright smile taking over her lips. I can't help but soften when I see her, my love for her devours me and all my rational thinking. Reaching out to me, I glide over to her, taking her into my arms in one fluid motion.

"Damon," she breathes, "I'm having so much fun…..I'm so lightheaded."

She giggles and I laugh, knowing it's from all the blood she's consumed; I feel the exact same way.

"It's the blood," I whisper, our faces mere inches apart now, "just let go, Elena."

Taking my advice, she begins grinding against me, her hands sliding down my chest and then back up again. My own hands move down to her curvaceous hips, gripping them tightly as we participate in this sensual form of dirty dancing. Gentle fingertips glide against my neck collecting blood before slipping the coated digits past her lips. A satisfied moan escapes her and I feel myself getting hard. I've been aroused since she pressed her thriving body against mine but now I'm near ravenous with desire. Just as I'm about to comment, I now feel a warm wetness snaking up my neck, her tongue catching the blood of the latest victims, tasting everything that's once been in my mouth.

"Elena," I growl, wanting nothing more than to throw her against the near surface and have my filthy way with her.

The little vixen continues to excite me, surprise me and torment my very being all at the same time. That traveling tongue taps against my parted lips before I feel the sharp stab of her elongated fangs tugging at my lower lip.

"Damn it," I hiss, even though I enjoyed that, it was a major turn on and I know she realizes this.

Another little giggle omits from my smoldering temptress as she pulls away from our heated embrace.

"You want to know something," she begins in a sultry tone, "you taste the best out of them all."

After giving me one of the most come hither and fuck me stares I've ever received, Elena turns her back to me and begins walking out of the room. As she reaches the staircase, she looks over her shoulder before gesturing for me to follow. I don't hesitate, nothing could be more perfect than my goddess, this invitation will be received and this opportunity will not be wasted.

Following her lead, I step out of the room and over to the staircase, as she takes to the second floor. My eyes are following her every movement carefully even after she disappears ahead of me, I'm quick to catch up. Elena's steps guide me to the end of the long hallway where I watch her move with grace into a bedroom. I have no idea what to expect but I'm hoping for much more than originally planned. This is so much more than carnal desire, I'm madly in love with her, however tonight I'm blinded by my animalistic tendencies and my insatiable nature.

Eyes wide as I find the baby vampire sitting on the bed with a gorgeous redhead, coincidentally dressed as little red riding hood.

"Close the door, Damon," Elena commands, and I do exactly as I'm told. I'm silent, simply watching, having absolutely no idea what is going to occur in this little bedroom.

I'm intrigued but I'm also dying inside to touch her, to make her mine.

Grasping the young girl's chin, Elena forces their eyes to lock, the tell-tale signs of compulsion taking place.

"You're going to do exactly as we say," she commands, "don't be afraid. This won't hurt, I promise you'll like it."

Elena's mouth opens, fangs extend before she dives in for the kill. The sound of her sinking those razor sharp teeth into red's neck is driving me wild. My back leans against the wooden door as I watch them in awe and agony. The girl moans loudly, her hand resting on the brunette vampire's shoulder while her free hand rests on a fishnet covered thigh. In a second Elena is coming up for air, gasping with contentment, a satisfied smile taking to her lips. The Cheshire cat comes to mind as I notice the devious gleam in her eyes. The redhead's derived blood is running down Elena's face and neck, splattering onto corset-trussed up breasts. I can't take this torture, I'm going mad with this incessant need. The pounding in my head is increasing and the throbbing of my manhood is causing me to gasp for unnecessary air.

"Damon come here," she smiles, reaching out for me once again and I'm quick to take to my knees in front of her.

"It's so good," she breathes, her senses obviously on full blast as her behavior is as if she's high on ecstasy.

The blood can do that to a new vampire, hell it even does it to me from time to time. I want Elena to enjoy this, I want her to know all of the perks of being one of the undead. Glancing to the side I notice the crimson current still leaking from the redhead's puncture marks, my fangs automatically elongating. I can feel Elena watching me, her legs wrapping around my waist, pulling me as close as possible. My lower half hits the bed, as she rests one of her hands on my shoulder before allowing her free hand to swipe over her meal's neck.

"Taste her," she offers, pushing her bloodied fingers past my lips.

I suck and she rolls her hips forward, becoming aroused by this little display; as am I.

I can't help my next move, it just happens and I'm overcome with the blood lust. Elena's fingers slide from my mouth with a slick pop and in an instant my fangs are tearing into the same wound that she's left on red riding hood's neck. One hand grips the other side of the girl's neck while my free hand slides under her dress. She's panting and moaning while Elena gasps. I know this has surprised her, but she's doing absolutely nothing to stop me. Eyes clamped shut, I'm spiraling into oblivion and in my mind there is Elena. I want nothing more than to be in this same position with the brunette, my mouth on her neck and my palm against her wet sex. The need for her is overtaking me, the blood consuming me, rolling in waves down my throat.

"Stop," Elena says, but I'm not paying attention, I'm in a slow spinning world where she is mine.

"Damon, stop!" she commands more sternly, her hands now on my biceps pulling me away from red riding hood and her delectable taste.

With a deep growl and a quick maneuver, I have Elena on her back flat against the wooden floor. One hand on her throat while the other rests against the ground, her eyes pleading with me. The blood is dripping from my mouth onto her skin, the smell of iron and life wafting around us.

"Do you enjoy it, Elena," I practically spit, "Does this get you off? Fucking with me! Making me fall harder and deeper in love with you, only to have you rip my fucking heart out as you run back to my saintly little brother?!"

The words are hitting her in the face and they are pouring out of me at an alarming rate. I know she didn't expect this tonight but I didn't expect this either. The way she behaves, throwing herself at me, all the while I know she'll back out of her prior advances. She doesn't love me, but I need her too, I want it more than anything in the world.

"Why won't you love me?!" I bellow, gripping her neck tighter, the pain evident in my voice. "I would do anything for you," I explain, "I would die a thousand times for you, just to show you how much I love you."

My mouth is now centimeters from hers, our breath almost mixing while we both revel in the intoxication.

"Show me," she pushes out and my lips are instantly on hers, devouring the sweetest taste I've ever known.

Her hands are pushing her fishnet stockings to her knees while we kiss deeply and passionately, my actions wild and feverish. There is nothing in this moment more important than Elena, I need her, I have to have her in anyway she is willing to give. My mouth moves down to her neck, sucking and teasing the tender area while she moans, her body rolling with shockwaves. One of her hands grabs mine, quickly guiding it between her thighs. My fingertips glide over her naked sex, feeling the seeping of her arousal, wet as a river flowing down toned legs. It dawns on me that she's this way because of me and I smile against her neck with triumph.

Tiny kisses trail her chest, my free hand tugging down her corset some, exposing two supple breasts.

"So beautiful," I whisper, dragging my extending fangs along tanned, olive flesh.

Dainty hands fisting in my unkempt hair, keeping my face pressed against her chest. Swiftly, I insert two fingers inside her tight sex, while my fangs penetrate a perfect breast.

"Oh God Damon!" She screams, her blood wetting my tongue with intoxication.

This takes blood sharing to a whole other level, this is more intimate than sex to a vampire, more important than making love. This act is love in itself, the deepest of bonds. A blood bond, performed by two vampires completely and irrevocably in love with one another. I'm inside her veins and she's swimming through mine, the connection stronger than anything I've ever felt before in my entire existence.

As I'm coming up for unnecessary air, she's cumming around my intruding fingers. Inner walls holding them tightly inside her while she cries out into the space around us. Eyes wide open, gazing into mine making me feel whole and I forget about humanity because she is that for me. My hands are now cupping her face, pulling her in for a soft kiss, her arms wrapped around my neck as if she doesn't want to ever let go. We should get out of here tonight, I refuse to make love to her on a filthy bedroom floor. I'm coming back to my senses, the room starting to stop it's spinning.

"Oh My God!" I hear Bonnie screech behind us just as I'm about to suggest we head back to Mystic Falls or at least to a clean hotel with a hot shower.

"Get off of her Damon!" she yells, charging at me, her tiny fists beating against my back.

"Back off Bonnie!" I yell right back, turning my head to the side to see her enraged face.

A palm comes flying across my cheek as she slaps me hard, causing me to stand up and push the little witch against the nearest wall. My hand is around her throat, her breathing is hardly coming out and I'm gritting my teeth with the consuming madness I feel currently.

"Damon stop! Please!"

Elena begs behind me, her hands trying hard to fix her state of undress. Pulling up her stockings, she's quick to re-situate her corset before tugging at my arm. I refuse to upset her, so I loosen my grip on the witch allowing her feet to touch the floor. Bonnie's by her friend's side in seconds, taking her hand and tugging her towards the now open door.

"What were you thinking?" I hear her say in a judgmental tone, "What are you going to tell Stefan, Elena? He's your boyfriend and you're allowing Damon to practically fuck you on the floor of some nasty frat house!"

The words are making me seethe, but I keep quiet wanting to know how Miss Gilbert is going to answer. I'm trailing behind them at an acceptable distance, of course thanks to enhanced hearing I can pick up every word as if they were beside me. We're leaving I assume as I watch them exit out the front door and I can't say I'm excited about the ride back home.

"I don't know," Elena keeps repeating, like it's a mantra but it's a lie.

She knows exactly what she did, I can't stand to listen to anymore of this I was confused bullshit.

"Bonnie, the blood just makes me feel crazy," she explained, "I have no idea what came over me. Please don't tell Stefan, ok? This was a huge mistake and I'm not going to do it again."

The words are like a knife piercing through my heart, better yet a stake taking me to the true and final death. After everything that's happened in the past few hours the only thing that fills Elena is regret. The realization that she'll never love me is truly settling in and I'm no longer happy with what I've done. The humanity switch is slowly being shut off, even though I wanted so badly to feel, to feel her love for me finally.


	2. Covered in Cowardliness

_~ Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over_  
_But had me believing it was always something that I'd done_  
_But I don't wanna live that way_  
_Reading into every word you say_  
_You said that you could let it go_  
_And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know_

_But you didn't have to cut me off_  
_Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing_  
_And I don't even need your love_  
_But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough_  
_No you didn't have to stoop so low ~_

_**Damon POV**_

The drive home is full of tension so thick we could all cut it with a butter knife and trust me, it would take that much strength to do so. Elena knows I've heard her words to Bonnie, she won't even make eye contact with me and it's probably for the best. I'm so angry I could spit and everyone knows what happens when I get in a mood. There goes Damon, the live wire, the troubled brother; so maybe Miss Gilbert was right not to fall for me after all. However, I'd wished she'd come with some sort of label as well, one that reads: _**Indecisive, impulsive, cock-tease with a penchant for martyring herself in all situations where she has the chance to do so.**_ This would have been a red flag, a warning for me to stay away, but I know better, I know I wouldn't ever be able to stay away. These feelings inside me right now are a mess of sadness and anger, I don't do heartache well so I choose to focus on being in a rage.

Gripping the steering wheel tighter I'm tuning out everything around me, eyes focused on the long stretch of highway ahead of us. We'll be back to Mystic Falls in under an hour now and truth is I've spaced off most of the trip. I can't concentrate for very long, my thoughts scattered in a million different directions. Bonnie whispers to Elena in the backseat, but I'm trying my hardest not to hear them, I can't take hearing anymore lies fall from the baby vampire's lips. The lips I've spent at least twenty minutes of tonight kissing, inhaling, devouring; the sweetest taste I've ever known and will ever know.

"Nothing happened," Bonnie says quietly, "that's what we're going to tell everyone, ok?" Elena doesn't reply, but she's more than likely nodding in agreement, hanging her head in shame. If she regrets what has happened between us then so be it, if she feels guilt because of Stefan, there is not one damn thing I can do to change that. Part of me wants to pull the car over and pull her out of the backseat, dragging her into the woods so we can scream it out. I want to hear her say she regrets this, that I mean nothing to her, that what we shared was absolutely not worth remembering. But I'm too much of a fucking coward, I'm afraid of the words that may fly from her tongue, the devastating crush of a simple sentence that could shatter me finally and entirely.

I'm a glutton for punishment I guess, when she picked Stefan the first ten times I should have learned but I was intent on making her mine. I did everything I could to make her see and feel my love for her, but nothing seemed to work, now I'm just wounded and alone. Pitiful and pathetic, those are the two adjectives that describe me, they suit me best and I'm owning them with a vehement revulsion but I'm owning up to them none the less. At least I'm honest, that's more than I can say for her.

"Drop us off at my house, Damon," Bonnie commands in a tone that says I'm not to disagree or challenge her. This time I don't and I know this surprises her which causes me to smirk some. It's always gratifying when someone is surprised by your actions, a part of me thinks the little witch is somewhat impressed with my ability to hold back from the usual wise ass comment.

Upon reaching Bonnie's grandmother's house, I pull into the driveway but I don't bother to turn off the engine. I'm not getting out of the car, not for anyone, not even if Elena begged me too; she won't anyway. "Go inside, Elena," the witch insists, handing her best friend the key to the front door. She does so without another word, her tiny body hurling itself from the Camero. I catch her stealing a glance at me through the side mirror but I don't bother to give her the satisfaction of a look. My heart aches to even gaze at her for longer than a second, I won't do this to myself in my present state.

Before I'm able to leave, Bonnie is standing next to the driver's door, her knuckles hitting the glass of the window. Rolling my eyes I shake my head but oblige her by sliding down the window, knowing she has some threat to spit at me. "Yes?" I ask in a sarcastic tone as if prepared to laugh right in her glaring face. "Stay away from Elena," she growls, eyes forming tiny slits, her finger pointed in my direction. "You were suppose to help her," she continues, "but you took advantage of her, knowing how vulnerable she is right now! You're suppose to be her friend and help, but no you're more interested in beating Stefan and getting into your brother's girlfriend's pants. You have zero respect for the woman you supposedly "love," it's sickening how you behave. Even willing to fuck her on that dirty floor like she was trash, both of you covered in the blood of multiple people. She was acting like a complete monster because of you, someone totally different from who she is. There is no way in hell I'm going to let you do this to my friend, not now and not ever. You're disgusting, Damon, but you knew that already."

Before I have a chance to respond her back is to me and she's power walking to her porch. The front door slams; even if I wanted to speak more on the subject I have never been invited into Shelia's home and I highly doubt Bonnie would ever let me in. Instead I roll up the window and put the Camero into reverse, leaving the driveway and tonight in the dust. I'm done with the drama, the bullshit lies, the incessant reminder that I'm no one's first choice. Hitting the gas pedal hard, I'm doing at least seventy miles an hour through a residential area. I dare a police officer to stop me, I'll rip him apart and not think twice about it. If I crash I won't die anyway, being undead can be a bitch sometimes. Just another thing human's get that I don't, the get-out-of-jail-free card, the chance to pass on this miserable life and my even more miserable existence. Fuck this town, I should have left when I had the chance too, but I suppose there is always now.

_~ Jesus, I must confess_  
_That in all my loneliness_  
_I've forsaken and I've sinned_  
_Leaving fragments of a man so broken_

_I could tell you what I've done_  
_Or should I tell you where I went wrong?_

_Well the more that I start to play_  
_My deceitful, evil ways_  
_Keep on growing stronger by the day_

_Oh lord have mercy on my soul_  
_For I have walked a sinful road_  
_So I'm gonna get down on my knees_  
_Beg forgiveness to help set me free_  
_Lord have mercy on me, please_

_Mother Mary full of grace_  
_In my weakness, I've lost faith_  
_I've been careless, and I have been warned_  
_And the devil inside me is torn_  
_God bless the man that I have scorned_

_So don't let me fool around no more_  
_Send your angels down to guide me through that door_  
_Well I've gone and confessed my regrets_  
_And I pray I'm not held in contempt_  
_I'm so lost, and I need you to help me repent_ ~

_**Elena POV**_

Pressing myself against Bonnie's door I let out a long unnecessary breath I had no idea I was holding in. I can hear her talking to Damon through the wood of the door thanks to my new vampire super sonic hearing. Biting my lower lip I feel the tears start to form in my eyes, insides feeling as if they might expel themselves onto the floor. This isn't fair, I'm being completely unfair. I'm the selfish one this time around, wanting my cake and to eat it too. How did everything become such a mess? How did we all end up like this? This wasn't how my life was suppose to be, but do I really regret what has happened in the past year? Would I give it all up for a chance at a normal life? No. No I wouldn't, not for anything in the world.

Damon says nothing when Bonnie is finished talking, he doesn't defend his actions nor does he ask to speak with me. I don't really blame him, I'm probably the last person he wants to be around. If I could I would dismiss my company too, I don't know if I can truly stand myself at the moment. I'm disgusting. What I've done to Stefan is insane but what I've done to Damon, all of the things I've done to him-those things are completely unforgivable. The man deserves so much more, so much and of course he can't see it. He's blind to how amazing he truly is and so was I, until now.

Hearing the stomping of Bonnie coming onto the front porch I'm quick to jolt upstairs. I can't stand to look her in the eye and I want to just be alone. "Elena!" She calls, coming to the bottom of the stairs, obviously concerned about me. "Elena, are you alright?" How do I even begin to answer that question? Nothing about me is all right, nothing about tonight has been alright in any way, shape, or form. So as usual I reach for a lie, a white lie, but once again I am being dishonest. "I'm fine!" I shout back, "I just really need a shower, I'll be down in a few."

Heading into the bathroom, I shut the door behind me making sure I lock it. Turning I glance in the mirror, cringing at the person staring back. My reflection is something that would make anyone sick to their stomach, unless of course they were fooled by the illusion that all of this is fake just for Halloween. Looking down at my hands I notice the dried blood under my fingernails, opening my mouth I spot the blood staining my teeth. The tears rolling down my eyes are now washing away some of the specks of blood from my cheeks and collecting at the sides of my lips.

Feather light fingertips touch the tops of my trussed up breasts. Crimson current splattered like paint in the crease of my cleavage. My eyes follow the movement of my fingers, down to where the two puncture marks made by Damon's fangs lie. Tracing the indentations I sigh, before sobbing even harder than before. Is it disturbing of me to be thinking I hope those holes from where his teeth once were never heal? I'm pathetic, thinking that just maybe the bites will form into tiny scars, branding my skin letting everyone know where I've been-whom I've been with.

The man who loves more than he'll ever say, the truest of all of my friends. The feelings that I have for him surface more and more each day, the harder I try to fight them off, the harder they push to come out in the open. He states boldly his love for me and if I could gain the courage I would wave my own love like a white flag in surrender. When I'm with Damon I feel weightless, I feel free and for once I feel completely comfortable in my own skin. He consumes me, every part of me, even the tiny little parts I try to hide. There is not one inch of me that he doesn't love and in that I find bliss in this muddled mess of my life. Tonight I asked for him to show me his love, give me everything he had built up. Proving his feelings of true love with his hands, his mouth, his actions overwhelming but all felt with a approved sense of requited partnership. Enjoying every moment of tonight with my dark prince and yet this is how I repay him.

As I'm crying like a fool, my hands are ripping at my corset, tearing the material to shreds. Instead of merely sliding down my fishnet stockings, I'm destroying them with all my vampire strength. I want to scream out so loud that the mirror cracks and shatters, broken glass everywhere. However, I don't want to alert Bonnie to my current state and I don't need the added attention. I don't deserve any consoling, I've done this to myself and worst of all I've kicked Damon in the teeth once again. I'm deserving of this pain, this guilt, this ungodly ache I feel in my guts-I'll take it all.

Once I've devastated myself of the remainder of my clothing, I stand before the ultimate judgement of the mirror, showcasing every inch of this beaten body. The shame I feel currently while gazing upon this vessel of carnage is not due to what I've done, or how I've wronged Stefan. No. My shame comes from something much deeper, the guilt I feel has only one reason and it is because of Damon and the wrong I've brought upon him, why I am coming undone.

My hand slides down my frame, touching every inch of skin on it's journey down my breasts and torso. Chills run up my spine, causing a shiver to take hold of my nervous system. The dried blood is practically coating my entire body and right about now I should be disgusted with what I've done tonight, but I just can't bring myself to be anymore. I am a vampire, a predatory species, unruled by blood-lust but instead I will indulge in the pleasure of it all. My wondering hand as found the apex of my thighs, the heat radiating from the core that once sprang free like a fountain earlier tonight. I have never been that aroused, not in my entire life have I felt such love and lust intertwined in a hellish version of perverse intimacy.

My fingers glide against my swollen little bundle of nerves, taking the path that Damon had formed on my wanton flesh earlier this evening. Closing my eyes I allow my mind to take me back there, take me to where he can be the working caress against my most sensitive of areas. The room spinning around us, the smell of sexual exploration and iron fills my nostrils as I indulge in my deepest, darkest, best kept secret. Damon Salvatore. The eldest brother, the dangerous, the arrogant, the bad boy that I can't help but want. He fills my mind, fuels my desires and consumes every ounce of my existing being.

Two fingers buried within my clenching sex, juices dripping down my tanned skin. Free hand palming my own breasts, the blood starting to become liquid once again as it's mixed with the new break out of sweat from my overworked glands. All the while I imagine the blue eyed, raven haired man whom I've tried so hard to fight against, to fight off those tempting advances that he always seems to suggest. The whispers of that voice rings in my ears, the way words seem to roll of his skilled tongue has me practically panting with need.

My back slams against the nearest wall for support and I'm fucking myself with the pretend notion that it's Damon buried deep inside my enticing and completely soaked heat. He could be with me currently, taking me repeatedly, pleasuring me like none other if I hadn't been so stupid. So stubborn, so...so COWARDLY! I am the lion in the Wizard of Oz, I need my courage and I need it now, just like I need the eldest Salvatore between my thighs and devouring my non beating heart. "Consume me with your love," I push out, "with every inch of you." The air eats my words but I wish so terribly that Damon could be the one hearing them, fulfilling my wishes.

Free hand now snaking upward, taking blood against my fingertips until the slim digits are finding a place behind my lips. Sucking at the tantalizingly delicious liquid, I'm moaning with ecstasy. I'm enjoying this moment and I'm embracing my new life, my new found vampirism. Most of all I'm taking my lover's advice, I'm taking his words to heart and I know he would approve.

**_I'm reveling in it._**

Almost screaming out his name, loud and proud, I bite my tongue knowing Bonnie would be at the door in a matter of seconds. Instead I sink my elongated fangs into my plump lower lip, muffling my cry of passion as I leap into orgasm. My arousal pours, in what seems like buckets, from my battered cunt, the thickened liquid moistening my thighs and coating my entire lower half. Throwing my head back, I make the unnecessary breathes that equate to panting, tongue licking my lips taking in the blood I've derived from myself. I swear on everything I can taste Damon in the crimson current, his taste overpowering my own causing the blood to be that much sweeter to me from now on.

Sucking the juices from my fingers, I pad off to the shower and turn on the water. In seconds the hot stream is pounding down harshly, but I'm looking forward to this. I can hardly feel the pricking sting of scalding water as I step into the porcelain tub base. A replicated smirk of Mr. Salvatore takes over my lips and I'm now laughing with a sinister tone.

My emotions are hay-wire, a vampire issue that I'm trying to control, the mood swings however are keeping me entertained at present.

_**This is my life, I say in my head, this is who I am now.**_

As I take the time to cleanse my skin of all the delicious impurities, I think of a new plan of action. What am I to do now? I know one thing, that much is clear-I need Damon. I need to go to him and explain how much of a fool I've been. Yes, that's a grand idea.

In a seconds time, I'm in tears again, a complete sobbing mess. Sliding down into the tub section of the shower, I curl up into a tiny ball. The emotions rule me completely and within the time it took me to devise this new plan, I'm already beginning to talk myself out of it. There is so much at risk, so much heartache at stake when I think of the actions I have to take. As much as I don't want to hurt Stefan, I can't stand to pain Damon for one second longer. This is my future; To live as a vampire. Do I live in normality and try to be human like Stefan has been trying to do with me? Or do I follow Damon and revel in the absolute intensity of being a vampire?

Once again, my cowardess consumes me.

_I've been a bad bad girl_  
_I've been careless_  
_With a delicate man_  
_And it's a sad sad world_  
_When a girl will break a boy_  
_Just because she can_ _Don't you tell me to deny it_  
_I've done wrong and_  
_I want to_  
_Suffer for my sins_  
_I've come to you_  
_'Cause I need_  
_Guidance to be true_  
_And I just don't know_  
_Where I can begin_ _What I need is_  
_A good defense_  
_'Cause I'm feelin'_  
_Like a criminal_  
_And I need_  
_To be redeemed_  
_To the one_  
_I've sinned against_  
_Because he's all_  
_I ever knew of love_

_Heaven help me_  
_For the way I am_  
_Save me from_  
_These evil deeds_  
_Before I get them done_  
_I know tomorrow brings_  
_The consequence at hand_  
_But I keep livin' this day like_  
_The next will never come_

_Oh help me but_  
_Don't tell me to deny it_  
_I've got to cleanse myself_  
_Of all these lies till_  
_I'm good enough for him_  
_I've got a lot to lose_  
_And I'm bettin' high_  
_So I'm beggin' you_  
_Before it ends_  
_Just tell me where to begin_

_Let me know the way_  
_Before there's hell to pay_  
_Give me room to lay_  
_The law and let me go_  
_I've got to make a play_  
_To make my lover stay_  
**_So what would an angel say_**  
**_The devil wants to know_**


	3. Feel Good Drag

_~ "I'm here for you" she said_  
_And we can stay for a while,_  
_My boyfriend's gone,_  
_We can just pretend._  
_Lips that need no introduction_  
_Now who's the greater sin,_  
_Your drab eyes seem to invite_  
_(Tell me darling) Where do we begin._

_Was this over before_  
_Before it ever began? _  
_Your kiss_  
_Your calls_  
_Your crutch_  
_Like the devil's got your hand_  
_This was over before_  
_Before it ever began_  
_Your lips_  
_Your lies_  
_Your lust_  
_Like the devil's in your hands_

_Everyone in this town_  
_Is seeing somebody else_  
_Everybody's tired of someone_  
_Our eyes wander for help_  
_Prayers that need no answer now_  
_'Cause I'm tired of who I am_  
_**You were my greatest mistake**_  
_**I fell in love with your sin**_  
_**Your littlest sin**_ _**You were my greatest failure**_ ~

* * *

**Damon POV**

My body is shaking with aggravation, complete and utter pain and frustration is what consumes me currently. I want to forget...take a page out of Elena's book and pretend like nothing ever happened. But I can't. I don't have the ability to do so, my heart won't let me forget what we've done. The images flash across my mind, powerful and penetrating, the clenching of my heart feeling as if at any moment it's going to burst. This is the final straw, the grand finale of an epic fucking circus show. The lion can't be tamed by the aggravated trainer, her strength diminishes as she gives up on the beast completely. Unable to make the animal calm like her former tiger, the ring leader is ready to fall apart and erase this failed act from her pretty little head.

Parking the car, I feel as if I'm out of it in a flash, gliding through the front door and up the stairs to my dark, cold, bedroom. Kicking off my boots, I'm quick into the in-suite bathroom, needing a shower to cleanse this catastrophe. Tugging at my clothes, the material litters the floor, I can't be bothered to use the hamper.

Tonight should have gone a completely different way, my mind wonders there as I step into the shower. The scolding water hits my skin but I don't flinch, it is comforting in a way and warms my usually icy body. Beneath my madness, my rage and rejected state, I see her still, clinging to me like she did on the floor of that dirty bedroom at the party. Our mouths moving together in perfect unison, her taste soaking onto my tongue. Those needing lips and arms wrapped around me in so many ways: my heart, my mind, my mouth and my neck. The smell of her is intoxicating and I swear I can catch a trace of that deliciousness on my own skin. I may be pissed off, I may feel beyond pathetic and pushed away but the one sensation I feel most of all, more powerful than anything is the way I feel for Elena.

The dried blood is turning liquified once more as the water beats down onto me, causing the crimson current to cascade down ever inch of my frame. Hair falling into my eyes I gaze down at the marbled floor, the water pushing the once fresh blood past my lips. The taste reminds me of her, the memories pounding against my skull, the sensation igniting a fire inside. As much as I wish like hell I could forget, as much as I want to just rush away from it, I allow myself to indulge. The images linger and I know I'm being a masochist, but I'm reveling in the hot pulsing that thrives through my veins.

She should be here right now, pressed against my chest while I pin her to the shower wall. Her back feeling the coolness of the marble as my lips provide the fire of warmth to spread inside her. Hands exploring ever inch of that perfect body, the olive toned flesh under my mouth, teeth and touch once again.

"Fuck," I pant, pressed against the cold glass of the far side of the huge shower. Eyes now closed tightly, hand wrapped around my length as I image how this night could have gone, how it should have gone, how it would have gone if it wasn't for Bonnie and Elena's guilty little guts.

I allow myself to feel this, giving in to this even though it's a terrible idea. I'll regret this, I'll feel pathetic and broken later but right now I can touch her even if it's a dream. A fabricated picture of what I wanted to share with her, a lie and a secret that I'll keep until I'm gone. Biting my lower lip I sink into this, my mind taking me to the place it longs for, the vibrations in my core imagined to be induced by her.

"Elena," I breathe, low and shallow, needing her to hear it, praying that there would be a way she could.

Knees buckling, heart dead but pulsing in my chest, the wound deepening as I continue on with my fantasy. We're sliding together, slick and soaked, the blood dripping between us collecting at the apex of her thighs as I slam into her over and over again. Those dagger like nails dragging across my back, leaving marks that drip ruby liquid but heal oh so quickly. Her mouth pushes out my name in between kisses, as I'm spreading her wide, she screams for me as if she's praying to God to save her sinner soul. Tight, clenching cunt that holds my thick manhood so deep, milking every ounce of my strength, of my sanity. I'm insane, rapid with her disease, this ache that leaves me trembling for the first time in my entire existence, consumes ever rational thought in my fucked up mind.

"Elena!" I shout as I cum, cum inside my beloved angel, my sweet princess that I wish I could truly be holding.

In my mind she says now that she loves me, kissing my forehead, dainty hand pushing away the dark hair from my damp face. Wilting frame shaking, trembling with tremors of passion and heartbreak.

I don't bother to open my eyes, I know she won't be there and I can't live with the reality.

"Fuck," I growl, turning to face the wall and I punch the marble with my fist. The rock cracks under my knuckles but I could care less.

Curses fly from my lips, my hands beating the shower's walls as if that will calm me, as if that will change anything about this fucked up situation.

"God Damnit!" These are the expletives that leave me, I'm bruised just as I knew I would be, I'm a mess, a horribly disturbed mess.

"Fucking bitch," I pant, sliding down the wall and onto the floor of the shower.

I can barely feel the tears in my eyes due to the mass amounts of water that surround. I don't want to feel them, I don't want to feel anything...not anymore. If I can't feel with Elena, I don't want to feel with or for anyone; I could never love anyone as much or at all anyway.

A shell lays on the shower floor, a shell of the man I once was. She took everything from me, every little piece she stole and didn't bother to return, leaves me incomplete and unfinished. A shattered work of art, an obscured Picasso with no way of ever again being deciphered or owned by another. Where to go from here? I've reached the point of no return and I can't turn back to where I've been. It's time to press on, to find another life, to become numb.

Tomorrow I will leave, I will climb into the Camaro and take off, never to be heard from again. Forget, Forgotten, Never thought of again.

Hastily I pick myself up off the shower floor, I'm truly disgusted with my pathetic behavior but now is no time to dwell. Turning off the now chilly stream of water, I step out into the bathroom and reach for a fresh towel. Wrapping the material around my waist I'm off to the bedroom and over to the desk in the corner of the room. Sitting down I grab the first pen I see, pulling at the stationary paper I put the ink to good use. This will be the last words I give to my love, my little vampire, my Elena. Our final kiss, our final touch, our goodbye. Painless and guiltless, gutless and cowardly.

When I'm finished I take an envelope from the drawer, sliding the letter inside. Standing from the wooden desk I make my way over to the closet to grab one solitary bag. I begin shoving in everything that will fit: A few pairs of jeans, a belt, two dress shirts and two t-shirts. Under the floorboards of my closet I locate my hidden treasures, the only possessions I could never leave behind. A jewelery box and a tattered journal that was my mother's, the only two items that have ever truly meant anything to me at all. They go into my bag that I zip up and bring over to the bedroom door. Without another word, I slip into bed, needing to rest up. Tomorrow morning will come soon and I will be gone for good.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* * *

_I wish I could sleep _  
_But I can't lay on my back _  
_Because there's a knife _  
_For everyday that I've known you _

_When you want it _  
_It goes away too fast _  
_Times you hate it _  
_It always seems to last _  
_But just remember when you think you're free _  
_**The crack inside your fucking heart is me **_

_I wanna outrace the speed of pain for another day _

_Lie to me, cry to me, give to me _  
_I would _  
_Lie with me, die with me, give to me _  
_I would _  
_Keep all your secrets wrapped in dead hair _  
_I hope at least we die holding hands for always _

* * *

**Elena POV**

"I thought you died up there!" Bonnie exclaims, before shaking her head, a little smile touching her lips. "Sorry that came out wrong," she sounds apologetic and slightly embarrassed.

"I know what you meant," I offer up with a small laugh even though I don't feel at all like being humorous. "It was a good shower," I continue, unsure of what else to say but I know she will understand why I'm not all too talkative tonight.

Lightly she pats the spot beside her and I take the kind offer, flopping down onto the old couch.

"How do you feel?" She asks, but this isn't the conversation I want or need right now.

"Exhausted," I reply, leaning back and allowing my damp hair to hang off the back of the couch's cushion.

"I mean about everything," she practically whispers, "you know it's going to be alright. Don't you?"

Sitting up straight I turn to face my best friend, my lips pressed together tightly, my head shaking in disagreement.

"Nothing will ever be fine," I comment, "not when it comes to what happened back there. I can't allow myself to think about it anymore tonight...it's driving me crazy."

Bonnie frowns, her own lips tucking into one another, the look she tends to have when she has absolutely no idea what to say.

"It isn't your fault," she offers, placing her hand on my shoulder, "You were disoriented and confused. Damon should have known better."

The comment makes my blood boil for some reason and I know my features have contorted to disgusted in two seconds flat.

"Damon?" I shake my head again, "he was trying to help me, Bonnie, that's all. I jumped him in that room, he didn't even touch me until I put my legs around him."

Out loud I sound like a dirty slut, a loose woman who willing cheats on her sweet boyfriend with his bad-boy brother.

"I lost control," I explain, "but you know the disturbing part? The really disgusting, insane part of it all? I enjoyed myself...I was having fun. On the drive back I didn't realize that until I was upstairs just now. I felt free...for the first time I felt as if I didn't have a care in the world. Nothing mattered except...except...well...Damon."

If I was human I would be blushing scarlet, but instead I stare at my feet and push my long hair behind my ears.

"Oh no, Elena," Bonnie protests, "no. Think about what you're saying, ok? Damon is an asshole, he was just trying to get in your pants as usual. Think about Stefan...you know your boyfriend? Think about all the people you drank from and how unfair it was for you to fuck with their minds by compelling them. That wasn't you, it was the influence of Damon. You danced with the devil tonight, Elena and you're just confused."

In an instant I'm standing up from the couch, my tears are cascading down my cheeks but my voice hasn't been lost if anything when I open my mouth I'm louder than hell.

"Damon did not take advantage of me! No," I protested, "you have no idea what you're talking about because you weren't in that room with us. You have never seen Damon at his most vulnerable, you've never heard him tell me how much he loves me and how amazing he thinks I am."

Pressing my back against the nearest wall, I cross my arms over my chest. "I danced with the devil tonight," I agreed, "but I loved it. I love the devil and I don't think I'm willing to turn around now and accept the angelic lifestyle. I won't be weak anymore, Bonnie, I won't let others tell me I'm weak either. I am strong...I am tough and above all things I am a good person no matter if I'm a vampire or not. I didn't kill anyone, so don't you dare make me feel guilty, don't you dare pretend like you're holier than thou."

The heat is rising in my face and inside my system, I don't know why I just lashed out but in a weird way it felt good. I'm quick to the front door, tugging on my boots and stepping out onto the porch. Bonnie doesn't follow me, she knows better than that right now. Instead of apologizing for my erratic behavior, I sprint off into the night and head to my own house. I need to be in my own bed, I need to be alone with my thoughts and I need to relax before someone gets hurt.

I'm shaking with rage and upset, my hands fumble with the door knob when I finally arrive at home. Once I'm inside, I'm practically running upstairs and shutting my bedroom door. In another flash I'm stripped of my clothing and climbing into the clean, crisp sheets of my bed. Now I have two people upset with me: Damon and Bonnie. I know for a fact, my best friend will overcome our little spat, but when it comes to my Damon I have no idea if he's willing to talk this out right now. I can't blame him yet again, I can't even expect him to want to listen.

Laying my head against the pillow I close my eyes, the images of the night invade my mind once again. Suddenly as a whoosh of wind flies past my face, I'm wide eyed and confronted by someone who'd I'd almost forgotten about in my current state.

"Stefan," I whisper as my boyfriend towers over me, his soft hand caressing my cheek.

"Hey," he smiles sweetly, before leaning forward and kissing my forehead gently. "I was just at Bonnie's," he explains, "but she said you wanted to be alone. I figured you came home."

"You were right," I nodded, sitting up slightly in bed and holding the sheet tightly to my bare chest.

Letting out a little sigh of relief, I am more than glad that Bonnie had nothing more to say and at least she was keeping her promise made earlier.

"Rough night?" He asks, truly concerned as usual, his fingertips tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. "How was the party?'

Shrugging, I'm unsure of what to say, but part of me wants to break down. A scared and cowardly part of me wants to melt into Stefan and let him shoulder this pain. I could just cry and he would hold me, keep me safe and keep me sane. This could all be forgotten, Bonnie will never tell and Damon wouldn't dare, I know him best of all. I could go on with Stefan as I had before, go through the motions and allow myself to live a human lifestyle even though we are both inhuman...even though we are both blood thirsty, vampires.

"It was...scary," I admit, because in truth I was scared in the beginning, scared mostly of myself. "It was very intense but I survived it," I allow him that much, the rest I can't say, I can't rip him apart in this moment. "I'm just really tired," I continue, finally glancing up into his emerald stare.

"Want me to lay with you?"

_**No!**_My mind screams, my body clenching with unwanted sensations as I chew on the inside of my lip. My heart is calling for something else...someone else, my mind is starting to climb onto the same track as my dead heart. The truth is I do wish for someone to lay with me, but the person I want is not in my room at the present time. The man I want isn't speaking to me now, he isn't even able to know all of the feelings I posses for him or how badly I want to be close to his frame. He doesn't know how terrible I feel and he deserves so much more than my insecurities and my indecisiveness. I love him...but he doesn't know...I'm afraid he never will.

"Yes," I lie because it's easy, because Stefan is safe, because he will always be predictable, because he will always be here.

Smiling again, he's quick to kick off his shoes and shrug off his jacket. The bed slants from his weight as he slides in next to me, his cold hands touching my even colder flesh. Turning onto my side I allow him to hold me from behind, I can't face him. I can't be that intimate right now, I can't even think of him. This is sick, I am disturbed but as I look away from Stefan I can image he is someone else. I can see Damon in my mind, I can almost feel his strong hands grasping me, his breath against my neck. The sensation is a rush, my own breathing becoming unnecessary and irregular.

Then I feel it, the familiar hands palming my exposed breasts, the lightest of kisses being left on my shoulder blade. I know this is wrong, I know I should tell him to stop...not tonight. Not anymore, Stefan...but I can't. I'm weak even though I've tried to claim that I'm not. I'm selfish and I'm a coward, I am pathetic and a wreck.

Closing my eyes tightly, the tears are seeping from them slowly, but I can see my dark prince in my imagination. The touches and caresses are all his if you ask me, if you were to look into my fucked up brain, Damon is all you would see. Biting my bottom lip, I keep from crying out into the darkness. Silent, that's what I need to be and I'm praying I don't break out into horrid sobs of disgust and pain.

Hands sliding down my flat stomach, lingering against my inner thighs. Fingertips gliding down my sex, my cunt that I know isn't wet at all what-so-ever. There is nothing arousing about this at the present time, there is nothing I want more than for this to stop.

Can I fake this? I can fake it for Stefan? I can't be caught, I can't be called out on my activities. Let's not discuss the loyalties of my heart and let me just lie underneath you as you fuck me into unconsciousness. Take all my pain because it's my own damn fault that it's there in the first place. Erase the memories I shared with your brother, beat the love I have for him out of me. Take, take, take until there is nothing left, until I am hollow. Consume me and all this fake devotion I possess for you, rake my flesh with sensitive hands and loving lips. Meld with my bones and penetrate my womb, cleanse me of my lies and my unfaithfulness.

_**Stop!**_My brain screams so loudly I swear he could hear it flowing from my mouth. I don't want this, but he doesn't know...fuck he doesn't know. Too late, his fingers are inside my core, pumping away with a rhythm as I allow more tears to surface. This isn't rape, but it's the first word that comes to mind. Biting down harder on my lip, the blood slides onto my tongue and I savor the flavor because I need some sort of distraction.

**I am a monster.**

"Elena," he whispers, lips sucking my neck as if he knows I'm enjoying this. Which I'm not, not one bit.

The obliviousness kills the most inside but I don't speak, I won't make a sound. Instead, I push against his advances, allowing him to take advantage of what was his in the first place. As long as I keep my eyes closed and my lips sealed, everything will be just fine.

It's getting harder by the minute to continue on with this charade but I don't end it, the tortuousness of it all is exactly what I deserve.

Removing his fingers from my barely wet sex, I sigh in relief. Listening intently I wait for more, hearing the sucking of his lips to those coated digits. Suddenly, he stiffens against my backside, not in the pleasurable way but in the concerned way one does when something is amiss.

"You smell like him," he hisses and my eyes snap open and I force fake confusion over my face to mask what's really happening on the inside.

"W-what," I stutter, but I still don't turn to face him, my body won't allow it.

"Why do you smell like Damon?" he growls, "Every place on you smells just like my brother...what the hell happened, Elena?!"

Shaking, my entire frame is shaking and I squeal with displeasure as he flips me around to face him completely. The tears have stained my face, my dead heart feels like it's thudding out of control, my body recoiling. The concern sweeps over his features and now he's unexpectedly caressing my cheek as if I'm the victim.

"What did Damon do?" he asks, once again everyone has assumed that everything is the fault of the eldest Salvatore.

"Nothing," I shake my head, "Nothing happened...I just...we were dancing tonight, you know, really close. Maybe that's why you can smell him."

The lie is terrible but maybe, just maybe he will believe me, maybe we can face this nightmare of my deceitfulness another day.

"Please, Stefan," I plead, reaching for him, bringing him close to my chest as I hold him in my trembling arms. "Let me forget about tonight," I whisper into his ear, "make me forget. Let's just pretend, let's just go back to a few minutes ago and just...love me. That's what I need you to do for me."

Pretend...Pretend we're still in love. Pretend I mean everything I say, imagine all that I think of is you. I'll fake my body's responses to your earnest touch, I'll fake a connection, a smile, an orgasm if it means I can turn everything off once and for all tonight.

**I'm disgusting.**

I am unworthy of either brothers' love. I am a liar, a cheater, a piece of shit that doesn't deserve the love I receive.

**I am everything I hate.**

**I am Katherine.**

* * *

_They rise above this,_  
_They cry about this,_  
_As we live and learn._

_A broken promise,_  
_I was not honest,_  
_Now I watch as tables turn,_  
_And you're singing -_

_I'll wait my turn,_  
_To tear inside you,_  
_Watch you burn,_  
_I'll wait my turn._

_I'll cry about this,_  
_And hide my cuckold eyes,_  
_As you come off all concerned,_  
_And I'll find no solace,_  
_In your poor apology,_  
_In your regret that sounds absurd,_  
_And keep singing -_

_I'll wait my turn,_  
_To tear inside you,_  
_Watch you burn.._  
_And I'll wait my turn,_  
_To terrorize you,_  
_Watch you burn.._  
_And I'll wait my turn._

_And this is a promise -_  
_Promise is a promise._

_A broken promise,_  
_You were not honest!_  
_I'll bide my time_  
_I'll wait my, turn. _

* * *

_I never really ever sleep much _  
_but waking up's the hardest part _  
_always afraid I'll get that phonecall _  
_telling me that you aren't here _  
_telling me that you gave up _  
_telling me you left it all _  
_like you said you want to _ _you have taken from my life _  
_everything that made me decent inside _ _I've never felt so complicated _  
_bottle it up inside my mind _  
_I know that this ain't what you wanted _  
_never meant to waste my time _  
_never meant to be so blue _  
_never meant to take it out _  
_on me like you do _ _I am far from decent inside _  
_I have got these feelings that i just cant hide _  
_I am far from decent inside_


	4. Love Crimes

_A drop in the ocean_  
_A change in the weather_  
_I was praying that you and me might end up together_  
_It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert_  
_But I'm holding you closer than most 'cause you are my heaven_

_I don't wanna waste the weekend_  
_If you don't love me pretend_  
_A few more hours then it's time to go_

_As my train rolls down the east coast I wonder how you keep warm_  
_It's too late to cry_  
_Too broken to move on_

_And still I can't let you be_  
_Most nights I hardly sleep_  
_Don't take what you don't need from me_

_It's just a drop in the ocean_  
_A change in the weather_  
_I was praying that you and me might end up together_  
_Its like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert_  
_But I'm holding you closer than most 'cause you are my heaven_

_Misplaced trust and old friends_  
_Never counting regrets_  
_By the grace of God I do not rest at all_

_New England as the leaves change_  
_The last excuse that I'll claim_  
_I was a boy who loved a women like a little girl_

_And still I cant let you be_  
_Most nights I hardly sleep_  
_Don't take what you don't need from me_

_It's just a drop in the ocean_  
_A change in the weather_  
_I was praying that you and me might end up together_  
_It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert_  
_But I'm holding you closer than most 'cause you are my_

_Heaven doesn't seem far away anymore_  
_No_  
_No_  
_Heaven doesn't seem far away_

_Heaven doesn't seem far away anymore_  
_No_  
_No_  
_Heaven doesn't seem far away_  
_Oh_  
_Oh_

_A drop in the ocean_  
_A change in the weather_  
_I was praying that you and me might end up together_  
_It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert_  
_But I'm holding you closer than most 'cause you are my heaven_  
_You are my heaven _

* * *

**Elena POV**

__"No, Elena," Stefan decides, pushing away from the grip I have on his arms. "You need to tell me what's gotten into you? What happened?"

The look in his eyes breaks me down because I know he truly cares, more than he should and yet still he does. Kneeling down on the floor, he places his hands on my knees as I hang slightly off the edge of the bed. My eyes won't look up to meet his emerald gaze, I can't keep lying to him, it will never work this way.

"Nothing happened," I whisper the lie, shaking my head, the tears rolling in waves down my cheeks and splattering onto my exposed thighs.

"Elena, just tell me," he is near begging, "I know something happened, please don't lie to me. As much as I don't want to know, I have to know what happened at the party. Not even just that, but...what's going on inside of you right now? Who are you?"

Finally I look upward meeting his earnest stare and I bite my lower lip trying to find the words. This is difficult but for once I have to say something that isn't a lie, I must be honest with him but most of all I must be honest with myself.

"I'm just me," I reply, a small smile threatening to tug at the corners of my lips. "But I'm not who you fell in love with," I continue, "I am stronger now, more independent and I don't need you to give me that judgemental stare." I don't fidget with my hair, I don't move at all but my eyes are penetrating into his with a steady motion as if he's under my compulsion.

"I can handle being a vampire, Stefan," I state, "but I don't think you can handle me being one. You fell for the weakness in me, the warmth that I radiated from my skin, my need for you that was always constant. You don't love a vampire, you love Elena Gilbert, the girl but she's dead, Stefan and I can't bring her back. The truth is...I don't know if I'd want too anyway."

The words have been bottled up inside me and I'd been churning the statement over in my mind until I was satisfied enough to speak it. The statement has strong conviction and even if it upsets the man I once loved, I can't take it back.

Cool fingertips trace my cheek bone and I wait for Stefan to say something...anything. Those green orbs of his study me as he tries to formulate a response, the pain evident on his face.

"I knew it," he breathes, looking down and then back into my eyes again, "something happened tonight. Something with Damon-and don't you dare say no, it's so painfully obvious, Elena."

Standing from the floor, he grabs his boots and takes a place at the edge of my bed. Pulling them on, he looks everywhere but my face and in truth I'm alright with that. I can understand his unhappiness, my words practically sound like a breakup speech shrouded by a mask of well planned out words.

"Why would you ask me to stay?" He finally asks, giving me his full attention, the answer to which I don't truly know. "Why didn't you tell me to stop when I was touching you? Is that why you smell like him?"

His voice is becoming louder and now he's on his feet, towering over me as if he's trying to make me cower before him. The once composed Stefan is now enraged with jealousy and utter confusion.

"You let him touch you," he says more than asks, "and you enjoyed it, didn't you? Both of you laughing at me while you fucked each other right under my nose!"

"No, Stefan!" I shake my head, taking to my own feet and I'm inches apart from his trembling frame. "We didn't have sex," I reassure, "but..."

"But?" he persists, hands on his hips but he's pushing forward trying to intimidate me some. "But what, Elena? You let him kiss you?"

"Yes." There is no reason to lie anymore, it would be pointless and even more pathetic than this already is.

"Touch you?"

"Yes."

"Where?"

I'm silent, looking away from Stefan and his rage. The knot forming in my belly, the nausea so strong I feel as if I might expel my guts right at his feet.

"Where!?"

"Everywhere," I whisper, biting my lower lip as a nervous habit until I taste the irony sweetness of my own blood. I swear to God my dead heart is pounding out of my chest.

"What did you let him do?"

"Stop, Stefan."

"No! Don't stop Stefan me, Elena. What did you let him do to you? Answer me and don't you dare lie."

"I-H-he, put his hand between my legs," I tremble, tears overwhelmingly clouding my already blurred vision.

"No," he shakes his head, coming forward and pushing me against the bedroom wall. I gasp from the unexpected gesture and now he has confused the hell out of me.

"No," he repeats, "you let him put his hand between your legs...say it."

"Why are you doing this?" I whimper, making eye contact.

"Say it," he growls, teeth almost bared to me as if at any moment he will attack and tear me apart.

"I let him put his hand between my legs," I parrot, "I was the one who put it there, I wanted him to touch me."

"And then?"

Why does he want to know all this? Why does he have to hear every detail perfectly explained to him? I'm uncomfortable with this conversational turn, however I owe him this much even if I feel humiliated.

"And then...and then he fucked me with his fingers."

"Did You let him bite you? Drink from you? Did you share blood with him?"

"Yes."

"And you came then?"

"Yes," I nod, gazing down at my bare feet, my naked flesh exposed completely.

"Did you want him to continue? Did you want him to fuck you?"

"Yes."

"Do you still want that?"

"Yes."

"When I was touching you earlier where you thinking of Damon? Where you wishing it was my brother rubbing up against your naked body: kissing you, fucking you?"

"Yes...I did...I do."

"You're disgusting."

"I know."

"A spoiled bitch."

"Yes, I am."

"How long have you wanted him, Elena? How long has it been since you thought of me taking you? Loving you?"

I don't want to answer this question, above all things not this one. However, I know this is the one that matters to him the most, even if it will shatter him completely, he still wants to hear me say it. Rub my nose in it, drag me through the dirt because we both know I deserve so much worse than this.

"A long time."

"How long?"

"It started when you were away with Klaus," I admit, "but I didn't realize that I wanted him or that I loved him until the other night. It all sort of hit me at once and I just knew."

"You love him?"

"Yes."

"More than me? More than us?"

I nod because I can't force anything else to come out of my mouth right now.

"In love, Elena?"

"Yes."

Stefan is between tears and absolute anger, he's livid but he'll never touch me. He'd never hit me, instead he pelts me with words of aggravation and betrayal. What more did I expect? Of course this is how he would react, anyone would. Backing away from me, he bends down and grabs his jacket pulling it on. Straightening the collar I can tell he's deep in thought, trying to keep himself from saying the meanest, cruelest insult he can think of.

"Well I hope you like disappointment," he finally spits, "because that's all you'll ever have with Damon. A never end shit storm of disappointment and pain. You two deserve each other, you evil bitch. You're no better than Katherine."

Before I can protest, not that I would, Stefan is out of my bedroom in a whoosh just as he came. I'm left trembling and bawling, my body sinking to the cold floor, hands wiping away the fountain of tears. This is the exact outcome I wanted to avoid, but another part of me that is buried deep is shinning through with pride. This was necessary, although it hurts to say the words out loud this is exactly what I needed to be free.

After at least forty minutes I've calmed myself down considerably, pulling myself up and propelling myself to my dresser. I'm quickly sifting through the drawers trying to find a pair of sweatpants and a sweater. Tugging the clothes on, I'm stepping into my sneakers and taking off down the staircase. My feet are on fire and my legs have never moved so fast, guiding me to the exact place I need to be, where I should have been all along.

The Salvatore Boarding house is quiet at this time of night, so I move with gentle grace to the front porch. Slowly, I push the front door open, revealing a pitch black hallway. Luckily my vampire senses provide a sort of night vision, allowing me to make a path for myself inside. Kicking off my shoes by the door I want to eliminate all the possible creaks I could be making in the floor boards as I glide further into my fate.

My eyes find the staircase but I don't bother to take them tonight, instead I'll wait on the couch in the parlor. I'll wait for morning to come so that I can better explain myself and beg for forgiveness. I need to admit the truth, tell every little secret hidden deep within my cowardly frame. This is the answer to my happiness, the answer to all my prayers and silent wishes.

Laying on the couch, I relax considerably, eyes fluttering closed in a matter of seconds. My mind races with images, one that sticks with me above all things. Damon. The sweet way he presses his lips against my own, the way he says he loves me and the way he holds me. These are the things that warm my heart, these are the reasons among others that I love him so dearly. In the morning he will hear the truth, once and for all. He just has to hear it once, even if it doesn't matter anymore. I want him to know, I choose him now; forever and for always it will always be my Damon.

* * *

_Wrap me in a bolt of lightning_  
_Send me on my way still smiling_  
_Maybe that's the way I should go,_  
_Straight into the mouth of the unknown_  
_I left the spare key on the table_  
_Never really thought I'd be able to say_  
_I merely visit on the weekends_  
_I lost my whole life and a dear friend_

_I've said it so many times_  
_I would change my ways_  
_No, nevermind_  
_God knows I've tried_

_Call me a sinner, call me a saint_  
_Tell me it's over I'll still love you the same_  
_Call me your favorite, call me the worst_  
_Tell me it's over I don't want you to hurt_  
_It's all that I can say. So, I'll be on my way_

_I finally put it all together,_  
_But nothing really lasts forever_  
_I had to make a choice that was not mine,_  
_I had to say goodbye for the last time_  
_I kept my whole life in suitcase,_  
_Never really stayed in one place_  
_Maybe that's the way it should be,_  
_You know I live my life like a gypsy_

_**I'll always keep you inside, you healed my**_  
_**Heart and my life... And you know I try.**_

_Call me a sinner, call me a saint_  
_Tell me it's over I'll still love you the same_  
_Call me your favorite, call me the worst_  
_Tell me it's over I don't want you to hurt_  
_It's all that I can say. So, I'll be on my way_  
_So, I'll be on my way_  
_So, I'll be on my way _

* * *

**Damon POV**

Rolling over in bed I glance at the illuminated alarm clock on the bedside table. The analog numbers read five-thirty and I know it's about time for me to take off. I need to put this all behind me, while the town of Mystic Falls sleeps I will be no more than a fleeting memory. This is for the best, I keep reminding myself, even if in the pit of my guts my insides are screaming for me to stay. My heart pounding aggressively in my ears to try one more time. Just once more...but I ignore the tell-tale-heart and it's masochistic hope.

Sliding out of bed I decide to leave it unmade, no one will bother this room when I'm gone anyway. Taking my clothes from the chair at my desk, I tug on the dark pair of jeans and the v-neck t-shirt before pulling on my leather jacket. Climbing into the tall black boots, I grab my car keys and my cell phone before making it to the bedroom door. Picking up my leather, duffel bag and the envelope on top of it I'm making for the hallway.

Quietly I descend the stairs, before I'm hit with the overwhelming smell of water lilies and lavender. The scent will forever haunt me no matter where I go, it will invade my dreams and my brain, wrapping around me like a love sick noose. For a moment I think I'm just being delusional however as I follow the trail of the familiar sweetness, I see the owner laying on the old sofa in the parlor.

Elena. My Elena. Sleeping Beauty, resting oh so peacefully, hand touching her chest. I know I should turn around and go immediately, run while I can but I'm tempted. Tempted by the curse of my immortal angel.

_One more time_, I repeat over and over in my head. _Please, once more_, my heart begs.

In a second's time I'm towering over her petite frame, my fingertips tracing her beautiful face. Leaning down I place my lips against her forehead, leaving the gentlest kiss I can muster. Of course that isn't enough for me and I'm now bringing my mouth to hers. Tasting her for the last time, a single tear sliding from my cheek onto hers, I steal this moment away so that I can remember her like this. Remember us like this while I'm away, before I turn it off. The humanity switch short-circuited, no longer available for anyone who isn't Elena Gilbert.

She's stirring now and I can't bare to see those doe eyes opening to find me over her. Placing the envelope on the coffee table, I'm out of there using all my vampire speed not wanting to be caught. Two seconds later I'm in the Camaro, starting up the engine and peeling out of the drive-way. I don't look back in the rear view, it hurts too much to linger on the memory.

I love her. I always will.

* * *

_Bury all your secrets in my skin_  
_Come away with innocence, and leave me with my sins_  
_The air around me still feels like a cage_  
_And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again..._

_So if you love me, let me go._  
_And run away before I know._  
_My heart is just too dark to care._  
_I can't destroy what isn't there._  
_Deliver me into my fate -_  
_If I'm alone I cannot hate_  
_I don't deserve to have you..._  
_My smile was taken long ago_  
_If I can change I hope I never know_

_I still press your letters to my lips_  
_And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss_  
_I couldn't face a life without your light_  
_But all of that was ripped apart..._  
_when you refused to fight_

_So save your breath, I will not hear._  
_I think I made it very clear._  
_You couldn't hate enough to love._  
_Is that supposed to be enough?_  
_I only wish you weren't my friend._  
_Then I could hurt you in the end._  
_I never claimed to be a saint..._  
_My own was banished long ago_  
_It took the death of hope to let you go_

_So break yourself against my stones_  
_And spit your pity in my soul_  
_You never needed any help_  
_You sold me out to save yourself_  
_And I won't listen to your shame_  
_You ran away - you're all the same_  
_Angels lie to keep control..._  
_My love was punished long ago_  
_If you still care, don't ever let me know_

* * *

**Elena POV**

"Damon."

The whisper leaves my half opened mouth, my tongue sliding over my lips tasting him. Eyes popping open suddenly, half expecting to see him sitting next to me. Sitting up I look around the darkened room, the sunrise just starting to peer through the curtains that shield the large windows in the parlor.

"Damon?" I call into the darkness but he doesn't answer, he doesn't appear. "Damon?" I ask again, louder this time, waiting for him to make his presence known.

Turning to get up from the couch, I'm bound and determine to locate him in this house. Just as I'm about to stand and take to the stairs I notice a little paper sitting on the coffee table in front of my eyes. Reaching for it I realize it's an envelope, I caress the paper in my fingers as I read my name in bold lettering across the center. Slowly, I turn the envelope around and open it, holding my unnecessary breath as I do so.

The letter is heavy and it contains more than writing. At the bottom of the envelope is a chain, a beautiful necklace that looks older than time but it's gorgeous none the less. Setting the papers aside for a moment I inspect the necklace, noticing the beautiful blue lapis lazuli stone in the center. Turning it over in my hands, I notice an inscription etched into the back.

**Per sempre, ti amerò. G.S. 1845.**

I think the words are Italian but I can't make them out, I have no idea what G.S. stands for but I do realize it was given as a gift in 1845. Gently, I place the necklace down onto the table before picking up the letter in my now trembling hands. Gazing down at the perfect penmanship I gasp realizing who it's from in an instant and in that instant I can feel the tidal wave of emotions flooding every part of me.

_Elena,_

_I've written this letter to say everything I couldn't bare to say out loud, everything I didn't have the courage to say to your face. It would have been too hard to leave then, too hard for me to turn my back on everything that's happened between us in the past year. I'm having a hard time writing this now to you but I know I have too, you deserve some sort of explanation and if I don't give it you'll automatically blame yourself. I know you all too well, more than I should, but I don't regret a damn thing that's happened. I never will. _

_You are the most amazingly, exquisite woman I have ever met in my entire life. None rival you and I hope one day you accept this truth. Realize that you are perfection at it's finest, no matter what other's say about your current state. Vampire or human you are wonderful, beautiful and worthy of love to its fullest. Helping you with your transition has been a blessing even if other's complain, don't let them tell you you're wrong. Remember to revel in the sensations that others will shun or condemn you for. Know that you are not wrong, that you could never be wrong. No one knows how to truly be a vampire, there is no handbook or manual, but I know above all things that you will figure it all out in time. You will do it better than it's ever been done and I know this to be the honest truth. Everything you do is magic, everything you touch turns to gold, you bring a lightness and a love wherever you go. You've changed me in so many ways, made me the better man when I had lost myself in the depths of despair. You believed in me when all others were faithless, but you knew deep inside your soul that I was worth saving. Thank you for that and for never giving up on me. Thank you for giving me everything you could and loving me in your own way, to the best of your ability. _

_All I truly want is your happiness, to know that you've gotten everything you've ever wanted out of life. I don't want you filled with guilt or regret and that's why I'm doing this. This is why I'm leaving. I don't deserve to have you, I don't deserve such a perfect creature. The other part is that I can not continue to be around you when I'm so terribly, hopelessly and irrecoverably in love with you. I don't expect you to feel the same and this is why I have to part ways, why I've left town. You were right in choosing Stefan, he will always be good for you, right for you in every way. No one will be as predictable and safe as my brother and I know that's what you want and need. He will protect you and keep you on a steady path, but do me a favor and don't let him control you. Don't allow him to tame your wild and passionate heart that I love so much. You are you Elena, no matter what. I love you either way, vampire or human, you are still Elena Gilbert, fallen angel and love of my life. _

_You'll be with me always, the memories between us ingrained into every part of my brain and into my heart. Your name etched into my skin, your kiss lingering on my lips. You are the blood in my veins Elena, as I am and will always be alive and thriving in yours. Our bloodstreams are connected and I will always feel you, forever. For eternity you will be my dark princess, my sunshine, my perfect beauty and my everlasting hope. No one will ever compare to you and I will always love you. _

_I leave for you a necklace, the stone is lapis lazuli and the inscription Italian. The words read: Forever, I will love you. This old piece of jewelry was my mother's, hence G.S. which stands for Gwenievere Salvatore. My mother was my rock, my best friend and my life; like you have become for me in my vampire life. This necklace will keep you safe and keep me close to you at all times; she watches over me and now she watches over you. Per sempre, ti amerò, Mi Elena._

_Forever and For Always,_

_Damon_

****The letter falls slowly like a feather to the floor as my body crumples along side it. The tears are heavier than they have ever been and my head is spinning with overwhelming emotions. In an instant everything goes black and I am left with this gaping hole in my chest and Damon's last kiss on my lips.

* * *

_Did I disappoint you or let you down?_  
_Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?_  
_'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,_  
_Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won._  
_So I took what's mine by eternal right._  
_Took your soul out into the night._  
_It may be over but it won't stop there,_  
_I am here for you if you'd only care._  
_You touched my heart you touched my soul._  
_You changed my life and all my goals._  
_And love is blind and that I knew when,_  
_My heart was blinded by you._  
_I've kissed your lips and held your hand._  
_Shared your dreams and shared your bed._  
_I know you well, I know your smell._  
_I've been addicted to you._

_I am a dreamer and when I wake,_  
_You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take._  
_And as you move on, remember me,_  
_Remember us and all we used to be_

_I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile._  
_I've watched you sleeping for a while._  
_I'd be the father of your child._  
_I'd spend a lifetime with you._  
_I know your fears and you know mine._  
_We've had our doubts but now we're fine,_  
_And I love you, I swear that's true._  
_I cannot live without you._

_Goodbye my lover._  
_Goodbye my friend._  
_You have been the one._  
_You have been the one for me._

_And I still hold your hand in mine._  
_In mine when I'm asleep._  
_And I will bare my soul in time,_  
_When I'm kneeling at your feet._  
_Goodbye my lover._  
_Goodbye my friend._  
_You have been the one._  
_You have been the one for me._

_I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow._


	5. The Weakness In Me

_**Hello everyone! I wanted to thank all of you personally for following, commenting and making my story one of your favorites. I'm truly enjoying writing this and I hope it's going well for the rest of you. I have many ideas for this, it's coming along a little slower than planned but I like to make this last. I'm sorry this chapter is a little shorter than the others and I'm sorry it's been over a week since I've updated. I'm working on getting ready for a nursing test and I've been at work every day this last week. I'll try to get started on Chapter 6 soon and I hope you all will stay with me. Once again thank you for those who love it and even those of you who don't, at least it's being read. For those of you who hated the chapter with Stelena, I'm not going to apologize, all I will say is that it came to me in a dream and think it helped further the chapters along. Another comment i want to address is the fact that some of you do not like the song lyrics in between POV's. I did this in order to break up the section and as to give you an inside look at what I've been listening to while writing this story. If you think it's too much of a filler than it will be omitted from now on, but just so we are clear that was not my intention. I have appreciated all forms of criticism and comments, even if some have hurt my feelings a tad. It's all good and don't worry for those of you who love it, I'm going to see it through until the very end. **_

**_Love you all ~ xoxo Angie_**

**NOTE: I do not own any of these characters nor I am affiliated with TVD, the CW, or L.J. Smith in anyway.**

* * *

**Damon POV**

This drive is long and torturous but I crank the radio louder to drown out the voices in my head. My thoughts are scattered and I know deep down I'm not right in my leaving Mystic Falls for good. My cellphone buzzes on the seat next me, Stefan's name flashing on the screen. I choose to ignore my little brother, we don't need to speak right now. Besides, he probably wants to ream me out about what's happened with Elena. I know she told him, I know she confessed; she's easy to read for me, always has been. Not in the mood to argue, I focus my attention back on the road, the sunrise coming up to great me on my new journey. My new life.

After a few hours of quiet driving I reach Georgia, my brain screaming to turn this car around.

"No," I mutter under my breathe. This is what I need, this is what is right and the only way to keep me from going insane.

The memories surfacing as I pass Bree's bar, closed down thanks to yours truly. It's hard to run a bar when there's a gaping hole in your chest where your heart used to be. Funny, the words seem to fit me as well, however for poor Bree the meaning is of course literal. I don't regret my decision, Elena could've been hurt that night, thank God she came out without a scratch. Still, it was too close a call for me and someone had to pay the piper for their actions.

A small smile tugs at my lips as I envision Elena that night at the bar, buzzed out of her little mind. Shot after shot, she kept up with the best of them, drinking beer like she was an old pro. Most men wouldn't find that a very lady like quality in a woman, but where Elena's concerned I find it endearing. The little brunette dancing around the bar, playing pool over in corner as I spoke with Bree about Katherine's tomb rescue.

Katherine. Now there is someone I haven't thought about in awhile and to be honest, I don't care to. Stefan might believe that now that Elena is a vampire she'll be more like Miss Pierce, but I disagree. She'll never be that heartless, that soulless; she's far too good natured to be so hard.

After everything that's happened between us this past year and a half I should be bitter but I'm not. I love Elena, we all know it and I hope she knows this. I hope like hell she's gotten my letter and that she understands why I've left. The guilt is still sitting heavy in my stomach and I know this is the best thing for us but hell, why doesn't it feel that way? Do I really have that much trouble letting go?

It's just her...everything is...surrounding me and consuming me like the love I claimed that she craved. We both have consumed each other in a reckless moment of hidden passions but I can't think about that now. I'm on to a new life and Elena is on to better days. Stefan will work it out with her, they always do, and they will be happy. She will be happier...without me.

* * *

**Elena POV**

"Damon," I whisper, my head is foggy and my eyes are glazed over.

I feel hands holding onto my own and underneath me is the plush of that old sofa in the living room. Slowly, my eyes flutter open but in front of me is not whom I expected, not who I needed to see.

Pulling my hands away from Stefan, I sit bolt upright on the couch. My feet tuck under me as I hug my knees to my chest. My eyes look anywhere but his, I'm in no mood to discuss anything with him at the moment.

"Elena are you alright?"

"I'm fine," I mutter, that's all I can say, I have no other words for him.

"You passed out," he explained, even though I am slowly starting to remember my little accident, "I found you on the floor, so I moved you to the couch."

A gentleman. I tut at the idea, shaking my head and still I refuse to look into his emerald gaze. I feel his stare on me though, worried expression etched on his face and I don't even need to glance over. That's how he usually looks. Broody.

"This was on the floor," he continues, holding up the chain that I swore I placed on the table.

The Lapis Lazuli stone is prominent and the chain glistens in the light. Quickly, I lean forward, snatching the necklace from his grasp and I'm fast at placing the piece of jewelery around my neck. As soon as the pendant hits my skin the tears begin to roll down my cheeks and I'm making that disgusting sobbing sound. Hands fly up to my face and I cover my shame, my sadness and my pain. I don't want to cry in front of Stefan but the emotions are so damn overwhelming.

"Did I say something?"

"Don't," I shake my head in defiance, "Don't pretend to care."

"I do care," he answers, his voice holding an edge of bewilderment.

"No, you don't," I disagree, "so stop. You said enough last night."

Even though I'm sending off a cold vibe, my icy exterior is on full force, he still slides closer to me on the couch. There is not enough space between us even though he hasn't touched me yet, I know it's coming. Sure enough, one of his hands rests on my shoulder and I recoil from the slight pat.

"Don't touch me," I growl, eyes forming into slits, as I stand up from the couch.

"I want to talk about last night," he tries to stay calm, but I'm not having any of this.

"I don't," I spit, picking up the letter from the table and turning on my heel to leave the parlor.

"Come on Elena," he presses, following me into the foyer.

"No, you come on Stefan," I retort, "Leave me alone, I don't need to be bothered by you right now and I don't need to hear anything else. I'm a spoiled bitch remember? I'm heartless remember? I'm Katherine."

My feet are moving at the speed of light and somehow I've managed to make it up the staircase in a breeze. However, Stefan's right behind me, still trying to talk. Why can't he give it up already? We're done, everything about us is over with and finished.

"I want to apologize," he states, "I wasn't myself and I was...jealous. Insanely jealous and I really didn't mean what I said. I'm hurt more than anything Elena, but I understand you're going through a lot right now. We all do things we regret and we do things that we feel are the end of the world. But it's not the end, I can forgive you and we can move past this."

My mouth hangs open now and I'm completely mystified. He forgives me? We all do things we regret? Who said anything about me suffering from regret? And maybe, just maybe I don't want his forgiveness. This is typical Stefan and I'm once again shaking my head in disbelief.

"I don't need your forgiveness Stefan," I explain, "because I've nothing wrong. I don't regret what I've done. I don't regret loving Damon."

There I've said it and God Dammit it feels so good. It doesn't matter now however, he isn't here to hear the words I've just spoken. My eyes well with tears at the realization and I'm trembling once again. Trying hard to pull myself together, I keep talking because it's the only thing that will keep me from losing it completely.

"I don't want to move past this," I weep but I'm wrangling in the madness, "I don't want to move on at all. I know I should have told you sooner, I know how I went about things was wrong. My actions however, I take full responsibility for, but that doesn't mean I regret them. Not at all."

"I read the letter."

His eyes meet mine and I'm seething now, my free hand that isn't holding the envelope balls into a little fist. How dare he read my letter? That was personal and private, Damon's inner feelings and thoughts, now displayed for not only my eyes but the prying eyes of his younger brother.

"You had no right to read that," I growl, "that was private. Just between Damon and I. If it was meant for you to read, it would have said Dear Stefan, but it didn't."

"I couldn't help myself," he admits, "I had to know what he had to say. About you, about me, about us."

"There is no us anymore," I shake my head, "there won't ever be again."

"Damon seems to think otherwise," he points out, "he knows I'll take care of you, Elena. He's not coming back."

"Shut up!" I scream and it sounds childish coming out of my mouth but I can't stop it from flying out.

"He'll come back," I'm deluded, "he'll come back."

"Elena," Stefan whispers, stepping closer which only causes me to step back.

"No," I throw my hands up, "don't come any closer to me."

"Those are just words Elena," he continues, "pretty words written on paper. It doesn't have substance because he left you. He still left even though he loved you, that wasn't enough, he was more concerned with saving his own heart."

"Stop, Stefan," I'm crying harder, "just stop."

"Just because he gave you a piece of my mother's jewelry all of a sudden he's the one for you? He gave it to you so you'd suffer in his absence," he spits, "so that necklace would be a constant reminder of everything between the two of you."

"Jealous," I whisper, "jealous, bastard. That's exactly what you are. How dare you say those things? You know better than anyone else that Damon loves me Stefan, that he's not one to write letters with no meaning. He means what he says and I'll wait. I'll wait an eternity for him to come back because I know he will."

"You're delusional," he corrects, "we need to just let Damon go, you have far more important things to worry about. You're still a new vampire Elena and I'm here willing to help you. So let's you and I start fresh, please. It's what Damon would want."

"Don't you dare use Damon as an excuse for me to do this," I shake my head, my entire frame trembling, "Don't say this is what Damon wants. He was being selfless when he said those words, I know it killed him to write that down."

"Elena Please," he begs, extending his hand to me, "come downstairs and we'll talk about getting you something to eat. It's going to be alright, you're just upset right now."

"Talking in circles," I state, "that's all your doing. Trying to mask your jealousy and be the good guy. I don't want any part of it. I don't want any part of you. You should be more concerned about your brother being missing and less concerned about what I'm going to do."

With that I turned away from Stefan and sped down the hall using all of vampire speed. Into Damon's room I traveled, shutting the door behind me as I fell to the ground. Knees once again at my chest, arms around them hugging myself as I cried in desperation. My chest walls felt as if they were going to cave in, my heart squeezing tightly rubbing against arteries that felt like sandpaper. Was I hungry? Yes, but I was missing Damon more than anything. Maybe he wouldn't come back, the idea would have killed me if I wasn't already dead. A world without Damon was not one I wanted to be part of.

Standing from the floor, I placed my letter on the bedside table before stripping off my clothing. Naked and shivering, I slid into the king-sized bed, wrapping myself in the sheets. Twisting my body in the material, smelling Damon on every single inch of fabric.


	6. The Blood In My Veins

**This chapter isn't written in POV format, it's written in a narrator's voice of third person. I'm sorry the update has taken so long but I've been so busy with work and the sudden passing of one of my best friends. Anyway I hope you all enjoy this chapter and please review. I love nothing more than knowing that everyone is having a great experience with this story and that it remains interesting. **

**The chapter contains a flashback as well as some unexpected Stefan confessions. Perhaps blood is thicker than water after all. Also, in this chapter we will see an appearance from Caroline and a reappearance from Bonnie who seems to have changed her tune. **

**NOTE: I do not own these characters nor I'm I affiliated in anyway with TVD, The CW or L.J. Smith.**

* * *

**1850.**

Damon walked up the grand staircase following the familiar path to his mother's bedroom. She had not come down yet for breakfast and Matilda, the head maid and Salvatore nanny, had given Damon permission to wake his mother. He went down the long hallway until he reached the last door on the right. Gwenievere never slept in the master bedroom anymore with Giuseppe, she preferred her own quiet space. Damon rapped his tiny hand against the hard, white wood of the bedroom door.

Silence.

He tried again, and again.

Still silence.

He grasped the golden doorknob and pushed the door open slowly. Damon noticed his mother's frame lying on the bed, the covers still over her body. He smiled rushing over to the side of the where her arm had hung down.

_Mother wake up, _Damon tugged gently against her nightgown sleeve; she wouldn't budge.

He tried again, _Mother please wake up, _and again she did not budge.

Damon was crafty and refused to give up so easily, he pulled himself onto the large, white wooden bed frame, grasping at the comforter for support. He slowly crawled to where his mother rested, her eyes closed, her mouth barely open. He ran his small palm over his mother's cheek, noticing the light pink tint beginning to fade.

_Mother, please wake up! _

Damon began to lightly shake her at first, then with more force, still Gwenievere would not open her eyes, her body lay completely still against her son's pokes and prods and pleas. Damon turned his head to the door as Matilda walked in, coming towards the bed.

_She won't wake_, he began, his raven curls falling against his flushed cheeks.

_Oh My God, _Matilda gasped placing her hand over her mouth.

She leaned into the bed to examine Gwenievere and sure enough her mistress was not breathing.

_Mother please, please wake up. Why won't she wake!?_

Damon began to plead and question, getting more frustrated and upset by the minute. A slow line of tears began to fall onto his blushed cheek. Matilda still hovered over Gwenievere, her tears also slowly beginning to fall. Mary, another one of the Salvatore maids had come into the bedroom to check on the loud fussing.

Matilda looked up at her, face wet with tears, _Take Damon and go downstairs, NOW!_

Mary did as she was told, coming over to collect Damon's small, wilting frame into her arms.

_NO!_, he screamed, _Mother!_, _Mother please! _

He fought against Mary's grasp, but she was much stronger than a small boy of 10 years old. Mary dragged Damon, kicking and screaming out of his mother's bedroom.

Lady Salvatore did not wake that day, she did not come down for tea with her sons and all day long Matilda held Damon close to her chest and they both wept.

* * *

Gasping for unnecessary air Damon's eyes shot open as he took in the scenery around him. His body sitting bolt upright in the backseat of the old blue Camaro.

"Jesus," he panted, running his large hands through his mess of hair, before covering his eyes in a shielding manor.

The memory had been suppressed for so long, the dream coming to him out of nowhere. If his dead heart could beat it would be pounding out of his chest at the present time. Sliding down once again he stared up at the interior roof of the car, hands now pressed to his quaking abdomen. Perhaps he was dreaming of his mother because of the recent events; he had left Elena her necklace after all. Or perhaps it was that he was in need of her strength, her shield and safety which she provided him with even in her death.

"Did I make the right choice?" he whispered, wondering if Gwenievere was listening in on her first born.

"I need to...for Stefan...for her," he continued, feeling the welling of tears beginning behind his oceanic spheres.

The sunshine poured in through the windows, alerting Damon of the day ahead. It was time to press on, move further on his journey, forget about the past and not burden his peaceful mother with his perpetual heartache. Stretching his limbs, he opened the door and slid out of the car. Finding his way to the driver's seat once again, he turned the key in the Camaro's ignition and looked to the road ahead. The back of his hand moved over his cheeks gently, collecting the residue of tears he had no idea had fallen.

"No more," he shook his head, reaching for his phone that rested in the passenger seat. 5 missed calls; 4 from Stefan and 1 from Elena. There were 3 voice-mails but he couldn't bring himself to listen to any of them. To hear her voice would ruin everything, cause him to crumble and turn right back around. Mystic Falls was not in his future and he needed to press on before he made the wrong, selfish decisions all over again.

Before he was about to toss the phone aside and get back onto the main highway, it began to vibrate. Stefan's name flashed across the screen, begging him to answer.**_ Just do it,_** his mind pressed while the other half screamed for him to hit ignore.

"Well if it isn't my baby bro," he spoke into the phone, feeling his stomach twist with displeasure and nervousness.

"Damon," Stefan responded, voice sounding strained, "Where are you?"

"On a quest," he replied sarcastically, "spirit quest really; trying to find out who I really am and all that good garbage."

"Seriously, Damon," his brother persisted, "where are you?"

"Honestly, Stef, just let it go," Damon commanded in his stern voice, "you got what you wanted, I left. I told you I would remember? The deal we made a few weeks back about Elena's choices. I'm doing you both a huge favor, so just let me be."

The silence on the other line becomes deafening, so he tries to focus once again on the road and ignore the uncomfortable lull between them. The green sign ahead reads: New Orleans - 55 miles.

"She won't eat," Stefan finally speaks, that brooding voice so full of pain, "she's starving herself, Damon. Ever since she read that depressing letter you left her she's be holed up in your room. Last time I tried to get in she literally almost bit my head off."

Damon frowns, teeth tugging at his lower lip as he fights back every urge to turn the damn car around. Starving herself? Why? This isn't typical Elena behavior, not in response to his actions anyway.

"Why did you write her that letter?" Stefan asks, the edge to his voice returning and the hurt fading away. "Then you left her, it's like those words never meant anything at all," he argued, "they were just words. Did you do it to make her feel guilty? Do you want her hurting because that's exactly what's happening right now."

The rage clouds Damon's judgement, hands clenching the leather of the steering wheel so tight his knuckles go a ghostly white. How dare he even question why he would write her that letter or the truth of his feelings? They both know how much he loves Elena, how much he desires her and every little piece of her.

"I wrote that letter so that she would know how much I love her and always will," he defended, "I love her Stefan, I'm in love with her and it hurts too Goddamn much to stick around in a place where the person you're madly in love with doesn't love you back. She doesn't feel the same and she never will. It's always going to be you Stefan...always."

"No," Stefan counters, "she doesn't love me anymore. She told me that herself a few nights ago. After I found out about what you'd both done at that frat party. She basically told me you're all she thinks about and that she's in love with you, not me. I'm jealous, I'll admit that...I'm angry and I feel beyond betrayed. But despite how I feel I don't want her going off the deep end because you left, you abandoned the woman you claim to love. She's hurting more than I've ever see her hurt. I've been thinking a lot about this conversation I wanted to have with you. I've wanted to tear you apart, break every finger you have for touching her. But now I understand that no matter how much pain and suffering I inflict on you, it isn't going to make Elena love me again. I won't have her the way you do. She's dying for you Damon...as hard as it is for me to say that out loud, she needs you so much more than she's ever needed me."

The words being uttered by Stefan have Damon at a complete loss. His heart is clenching in his chest as he envisions little Elena laying in his bed, starving to death, blood completely drained from her beautifully soft features. The fact that his little brother tosses out the word love so freely has him uncomfortable for he'd much rather heard it from Elena herself. That's all he ever wanted, was for her to love him, love him the way he loves her.

"She's been wearing mom's necklace," the youngest Salvatore continues, "it makes her feel connected to you. She told Bonnie this morning that it makes her feel like a part of you is still beside her. She said that she had a dream about our mother, or what she envisioned mother to look like. I guess the apparition told her to go find you, at all costs because you are her soul mate."

The venom is no longer leaking into Stefan's words, his voice calm and informative. The pain is coursing through Damon's body and he feels as if he needs to breath. Of course that is not possible as a vampire but he senses the oxygen deprivation from his brain.

"Why are you telling me this?" he asks, more so in a whisper, "you could easily console her and make her believe you're the better match for her. It was you after all who told me I was all wrong for her. How could she be dreaming of mother? How could we possibly be thinking about her at the same time?"

"Maybe it's meant to be," Stefan offers up, "I know this all is surprising to you, especially because it's coming from me, but it's all true Damon. I swear on everything that what I'm telling you is the complete and utter truth. She needs you Damon, she loves you, you are the better man this time. You want to do the right thing, well the right thing is for you to be back here...with her."

The line goes dead only seconds after, causing Damon to hurl his cellphone into the floor of the passenger side. This was unexpected and he's conflicted more than he's ever been in his entire life. Looking down he notices the gas gauge hovering over E, knowing he'll be pushing the Camaro if he doesn't stop soon. In that moment he decides to stay in New Orleans for the day and into the night, figuring he can have a chance to clear his head and decide the best possible decision.

* * *

"I'm glad you came," Stefan smiles, taking Caroline into his arms and hugging her close to his chest.

"Is she still in his room?" The spunky blonde asks, face contorted in a mixture of sadness and a tiny hint of disgust.

"Yeah," he nods, "she refuses to come out, answer her cellphone or eat. The only person that she's allowed up there with her is Bonnie."

"Well I'm going to fix this," she answers with a smile, more confident than ever before.

Pulling a blood bag from her purse, Caroline holds up the mid afternoon snack to Stefan, before sprinting off to the grand staircase. The walk is quick with her enhanced vampire speed, having her at Damon's door in a matter of seconds. Pressing her hand against the wood she listens intently as Elena speaks with Bonnie, the sobbing causing the blonde to frown.

"Elena," she calls, opening the door and sliding inside.

The starved vampire is a putrid shade of grey, her eyes bloodshot and her voice scratchy like sand paper. The sight causes Caroline to gasp, but she's quick to rein in her concern and upset. This isn't about her or her feelings she reminds herself, this is about Elena. Bonnie sits on the large mattress, holding their friend's hand and stroking her long locks of chocolate hair.

"Why are you here?" Elena whispers, coughing some before she makes eye contact with the blonde's blue-eyed gaze.

"To help you," Caroline offers up, showcasing the lukewarm blood bag as she steps closer to them.

"I'm not hungry," the brunette shakes her head, "and I don't want you here."

"Why does Bonnie get to be here then?" she asks in a frazzled manner as her eyebrows knit together.

"Because," Elena sputters, "we had a heart to heart. She no longer judges me or my decisions."

"I don't judge!"

"Bullshit!"

The angry vampire is screeching now as she sits bolt upright in Damon's bed. Fangs elongated as she fights the urge to fly across the room at Caroline. Deep down however she knows her strength is waning, the chance of her winning the fight is pretty slim.

"You hate him," she spits, "you hate Damon so much. How can you not understand how much he loves me? How much I love him?"

The blonde vampire stands in the center of the bedroom feeling completely bewildered. Her face softens as she sees her friend struggling terribly, the poor girl practically dying before her. All in the name of love, she thinks as she shakes her head, so poetic.

"I'm sorry," Caroline apologizes, "ok? Elena, I'm so so sorry. I know you're hurting but starving yourself isn't going to fix anything. It's not going to bring him back."

Bonnie stays silent as she has for the past ten minutes, her arms around Elena with absolutely no fear of the hungry vamp. She owes her friend this much, she owes her complete freedom to do as she pleases. The last time they'd spoken she'd been entirely insensitive to Elena's feelings. Having had time to reflect on everything, Bonnie had decided that her friendship was more important than her judgement when it came to the eldest Salvatore.

"Elena," the witch finally speaks, "you should drink. Please. For me and for Caroline. For yourself above all things and Jeremy. I promise you if you feed like you're suppose to, we'll be able to figure everything out."

"He's gone," she weeps, clinging to her friend, burying her face in her hair, "I need him, Bonnie. Just him."

"I know, sweetie," she consoles, even if she doesn't understand the relationship between Damon and Elena, she still is willing to aid her friend in this time of need.

"I want..." she trails off, hacking once again as she tries to find her voice, "I need to find him, but I can't go alone."

Those bloodshot eyes look up to her friends' faces, begging them to offer before she has to ask. She's willing to get down onto her knees in this moment and beg for them to join her in her crusade to bring home the man she loves. Although she is fully aware that both Caroline and Bonnie detest Damon, they should both be willing to help her regardless due to their everlasting bond as friends.

"If you eat I'll go," Bonnie nods, gazing over at the little blonde vampire for a second agreement.

"Fine," she shakes her head, "Elena if you feed and stop trying to commit vampire suicide by starving yourself then I'll help you find Damon. Ok? Just please, please drink this."

Handing the bag to her friend, she takes a seat on the bed next to Bonnie waiting for Elena to make her move.

Holding the blood bag in trembling hands, Elena sucks the tip of the plastic into her mouth. In an instant she's feeling the warm rush of crimson liquid hit her tongue and glide down the back of her throat. Squeezing tightly, more of the life sustaining matter fills her. Cheeks beginning to flush once again, as her skin turns to a pale olive and her eyes morph back to their normal chocolate brown. The plastic tubed tip falls from her lips and she's gasping into the air. The life radiates through her very being and she's on her feet in a seconds time.

"Let's go," she states, hands on her hips as her friends are left to balk in disbelief.

"Don't you need more?" Caroline asks, sliding off of the mattress with Bonnie following suit.

"No," Elena shakes her head, "I can have more on the road. Right now all I need is to get into the car and drive."

"We don't even know where he is," the blonde protests, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I can find him," she insists, moving to the corner of the room and picking up her discarded sweater and sliding it on.

"How? With your blood bond?" Caroline hisses, not meaning to sound bitchy but she's starting to believe her friend is a tad delusional.

"The necklace," Bonnie points to Elena's chest, "Damon's mother's necklace. I wonder if I can track him with that."

"I can't believe I agreed to this," Caroline shakes her head, "I must really love you Elena."

Stomping out of the room, the petite blonde begins calling for Stefan to inform him of the latest news while Elena rolls her eyes and takes up the conversation with her witchy friend.

"Can you really do that, Bon?"

"We can try," she offers, placing a firm hand on Elena's shoulder.

"I have to find him."

"And you will," she nods, "I promise."


End file.
